Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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