Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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