hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
