Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
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I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
you never un-have a 4some
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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