ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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