you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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