I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
