I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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