At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
