I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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