im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
