i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
