Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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