Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
