hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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