I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
