I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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