Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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