I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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