i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
