My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
false alarm. still invincible.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
