I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
