Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
