I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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