My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
