worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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