she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
