Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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