Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
