Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
two words...techno handjob
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
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The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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