mondays should just be called national damage control day
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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