Need sex. Gaining weight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
my liver is dry heaving
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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