Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
