one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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