I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We are all done wearing pants today
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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