So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
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He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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