Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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