My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
