Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
