Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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