I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
