I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
