its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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