I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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