Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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