That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
