idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
