you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
