I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
