One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
