Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
