Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
