Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My sheets look like a crime scene.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
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Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
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So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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