So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
