Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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