Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
