I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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