Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
