my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
