I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
