I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We won't sleep together?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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