I cannot find my penis.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
